Recovery Blog Post Sunday~~Meet Great Blogs of Fire!

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Almost Loved To Death From Enabling

Logic: Posted on Thursday, July 11, 2013 12:35 PM

Being loved to death doesn’t sound like such a bad thing at first thought. I mean who doesn’t want someone to love them that much that they do everything they can try to fix you? That’s how I use to see it too or at least it was perception I had created. Before I was diagnosed and sought out help for my addiction and borderline personality disorder. I was caught vicious cycle for most of my 20’s and early 30’s. I would have a good couple months when my life would appear to be balanced, then everything would fall apart or least I felt that way and just gave up on everything.  By acting on those emotions I often became depressed and felt like a failure. 

Then the mood would start to shift because I started a new job so I would feel that rush of accomplishment again for the first few months then that would fade and so would my enthusiasm for the job. Sometimes it would be a new boyfriend, I usually went for the knight in shinning armor types because they wanted to take care of you . The first few months would be great, I’d actually start to think they were fixing my broken soul. Of course that always wore off too because I started to feel I wasn’t getting enough from them. Last but not least were my parents.  Every time I fell down they were there to pick me up and mend my wound.  Not only was it emotional but it was financial too. They just didn’t want to see me upset so they always tried to fix everything for me.

It’s because I had parents and boyfriends that never let me hit my bottom I was able to coast and not get diagnosed until I was 35. That’s when I had my most massive meltdown and overdosed.  I almost died, I lost motor skills for days after I came to. At the point I was at no one could fix it for me, it was out of their hands I had to face music this time.

By law I was taken into psychiatric custody and I had to stay in the hospital until the Dr.’s thought I was no longer a threat to myself.  It was during this stay that I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and the truth about my addiction to drugs and alcohol came out along with the long struggle I had with bulimia. After I was released from the hospital I then went onto a dual diagnosis rehab center for 28 days were they worked with you on both disorders and addiction.  I learned how they were inner twined and triggered each other.

My parents and I also had several sessions to help them understand my disorders and addiction as well as the importance of establishing new boundaries, because for me to be successful in my recovery they had to stop enabling me. With some new boundaries in place I did not move home with my parents after my 28 days,  instead went into a halfway house and started intensive outpatient treatment.

I was also humbled because while away in rehab my parents sold my car back to the dealership because they were advised not to keep paying for it, I had to take the bus now. I’ve had a car since I was 16 years old and now I had to take public transportation it was adjustment for me.   As I progressed in my recovery and adjusted to not being enabled I earned the privilege to move into a supportive living apartment as long as I continued with outpatient.

Along the way my parents and struggled I still would call crying begging to move in with them, have a car again, or if I just plain out wanted something that I couldn’t afford at the time. My parents stayed strong didn’t cave in like they had in the past.  At first I felt they no longer loved me and were throwing me away but as I continued building my recovery skills I started to see it differently.
As my view changed my parents opened up to me and said it broke their hearts telling me “no” when I use to call crying. They were so used to fixing everything that they struggled not to give in.  I started to feel a sense of self-worth because I did have to do things for myself and work for things. After about 2 years between and halfway house and supportive living as well and continuing in intensive outpatient I successfully completed. It’s a little ironic because it’s probably one of the few things I’ve ever saw through to completion my whole life and it felt good.

Today I live in my own apartment, pay for my own car and monthly bills. I still have a therapist but instead of seeing her every week I go once every 3 weeks.  I even have held down a part-time job for about a year. My parents and I are closer than ever partly because they took time to learn about my disorder and addiction.

The boundaries we established are still enforced I’ll take a hug for support these days when I’m upset unlike in the past when I expected them to fix the problem.  My parents understand how dangerous enabling me was and understand that they can’t fix everything sometimes I need to fail so I can pick myself up to succeed.


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